Singtel blog competition, dated 10 March 2004



Recently a lot of things have been pissing me off. I need to complain. So here goes.



I hate the rain. It has been raining for the past 11 years or so. Non-stop. My jeans are soaked, my clothes are soaked, and I have to get onto the bus which subsequently freezed the little water droplets on me to become ice. When I get frozen (and a little blue even) and I can't move, the bus driver goes "eh, eh, never pay money ah?!" and I feel like slapping him, except I can't, because I am all brittle and frozen remember? Can't he see that I am frozen?! DUH??!



Just coz he is dry and cozy in his bus doesn't mean that I am too ok?! DUH?!



When I manage to get my hardened limbs onto a seat, I start to think I am very lucky because afterall I am not in Pakistan having female circumcision. BUT I AM WRONG! BOY AM I WRONG!



I am haunted by stupid animations on TV Mobile!!!



Apparently the amateur animations done by the NYP students are being boardcast OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And again. And again. Its okie if it looks like it is done by baboons. Afterall they are just students (as if thats even a valid excuse).



But WHY? Why must they use stupid themes for their animations??!



For example, I saw this one which has this little girl sitting on a swing. She carries a brown teddy bear, and looks all rainbows and cotton candy. I expected pink bunny slippers but I suppose thats difficult to animate. I mean, should the ears flow with the swing, or against? Tough.



So anyway, this little girl's swinging happily, and suddenly, a giant hand whips out of nowhere. The music is so sucky that I fell asleep at this point of time, so I shall just bullshit that I saw what happens next.



The giant hand turned from a giant hand to a gay blue amoeba and called itself Qoo. It has a little phallic blue thing on its head as well, wonder what it is used for. Qoo started to push the little girl on the swing.. The little girl giggled happily.



Qoo smiled. Qoo smiled MORE. He started to get violent and push the girl so hard that her back broke. Qoo laughed wickedly and suddenly (from this point I woke up so the following is true) the little girl is missing and (make a wild guess!) the swing was left swinging alone with the fluffy teddy bear, looking rather forlorn.



I was thinking what this crap could be about... Could it be.. Selling swings which makes irritating kids disappear? That would be good.. Or teddy bears who eat up children and hallucinate that giant hands did it?



Well, the text came up at this point of time:



- STOP CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE -



DUH. Seriously. Whats the point?!!!



When the students came up with such a dumb theme, did they think:

"Oh.. I think I shall ask people to stop child sexual abuse. Perverts who molest their kids would go on the bus, see my animation, and decide that it is wrong to molest children, because oh look..! they will lose their childhood innocence and not play with swings anymore!"

Duh. If child rapists would stop raping, it is definitely not because they saw a sucky animation. These people are CRAZY (referring to the rapists). If logic and reason could get into them, surely they would not have started child sexual abuse.



If the producers were thinking that through the animation maybe a little sympathy could seep into the rapists' hearts, then surely the child's screams and blood would have done that long ago.



Alright then here is my lame attempt to stop child sexual abuse too:



To all the rapists and molesters out there, do you know you are traumatizing the kids and making them scarred for the rest of their miserable lives so can you please stop it.



There. Done.



I saw another animation of car etiquette. While it is pretty entertaining, it is nothing original. I saw another version of it done by someone else before. Doh.



Oh I got to get back to work, dammit. Gotta write up an article on why Disney On Ice is the best family entertainment ever. Will blog more tonight...



One last time. I discovered another thing that pisses me off. When I tell people I work for TODAY, guess whats their reply?!



"I work for yesterday."



Yeah right, I get that f*cking answer fifty times a day, can't you come up with something even more cliched?! Eh? Eh?!

Singtel blog competition entry, dated 4 March 2004



Bah humbug!!! (don't you think bah humbug sounds damn funny??!)



I was at the main dreamd8 website just now, and I was greeted with a nice picture of MisirLou urging people to read her blog and a nice quote.



Wow chio sia, I thought. I would definitely have clicked on her. I want my picture up there too!



Later on, I went back to the site and saw BEN LOY! Which is quikquiksilver la. "Yikes monster!" I thought to myself, and then I realise its him and of course, friends shouldn't judge each other's ugly looks.



Ok I'm kidding. If you ask me, Ben's really quite cute. His features are nice, except for a little of the buckteeth which is quite adorable actually, unless you end up kissing that kangkong stuck there for 3 weeks. I was too polite to tell him.



I don't see why stupid Ben always has to say he is not cute. Which is like coming true, because his UGLIEST photo EVER wait let me make that word bold and big EVER is shown to the whole wide world (my world revolves around my life so yeah) BECAUSE the nutcase chose it amongst other putlizer-award-winning ones like the one he has on his blog currently!! (I did the cropping, and I think its really artistic. If you don't see it you are one of those people who are just not *snap finger and screw up face*)



Trust me, he is really quite cute. AND he has a sense of humour, which many many people lack. Those are sad sad people, I tell you. Ben possesses the ability to laugh at himself, a rare gift.



Maybe I am fooled. Maybe when he says stuff like, "I may not have the looks (and he snorts, as if he believes it), but I make do with it.", he is merely trying to get you to say that "no la... you quite cute what...".



That will surely make his day. I can imagine him saying, "Excuse me." in a straight face and then going to the toilet and go "Yes, yes yes! She said I am cute!" while punching his fist in the air until some uncle comes out of the cubicle and say he siao.



Shit. Why the digressing.



Back to the point of Singtel being a big cheatabug.



See MisirLou + Then see ben = Misirlou become Ben. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGH!!!! EERIE THOUGHT!!! MISIRLOUISH BEN!!!! BENNISH MISIRLOU Hell NOOooooo!



oh. Actually not la. Coz the thing changes with eveyr refresh, right?



So very naturally, I refreshed it to see if its me next man!!!



WTF. Erised. F5. Erised. F5 Erised. F5 MisirLou. F5. Monster. F5. Monster. hey its Ben actually. F5 Erised. F5. Zonda. F5 Zonda. F5 Hell no still Zonda. F5 (guess who??!) ERISED AGAIN!!!



Thus, I continued pressing F5 time and again until the F5 key in my office fell off. I was horrified. I looked at the keyboard, and thought to myself that it is very unlucky of me.



Should I have pressed "a" and "a" dropped off, it would be ok coz a is among other alphabets and nobody notices it being missing. But I spoilt F5 (coz Singtel is a cheatabug) and it is between F4 (WAHAHAHA) and F6 so people can surely see that it is missing! I mean, 4, _ , 6?? Fill in the blank!



So anyway. Amongst the 18326 times I pressed refresh, Erised came up 18965 times and zonda 729 times and Ben 629 times. The rest is quite negligible.



Just when I was about to kill myself I pressed refresh again and the sight that greeted me made me fall backwards off my chair and because I am so fat, I cannot get up. I can't roll over either coz I am so fat, that if I roll over two times, I will end up at Batam (thats not original btw).



I was quite traumatized and I asked my colleagues to help me up. She tried to, but broke her arm in the process. The blood soaked my good hair day up. Another colleague told me to just stay there and try to sleep, but I told her I need to blog that Singtel is a big cheatabug.



So, after an hour or so, they hung the monitor and keyboard to the ceiling so that I can blog while lying down. I am very scared now that the monitor falls and smashes my head. I wonder who will scoop up my brains.



Oh yeah that day I was talking to June and Clara and we were wondering if a motorcyclist gets decapitated in his helmut, who will do the job of digging the head out?



Ok back to why I even fell backwards off my chair. It is a revolving chair, can you imagine how scary the picture is?!



IT IS ME!!! Its damn ugly! They made my head more than twice the size of say, Janice's who has nice white flowers around her!!!



HELLO??!! BIGGER PLEASE?? I AM SHOOTING A NO-MORE-PORES advertisement?!!



Damn ugly la! Cannot stand it. Why can't they put the picture of my boobs? Enlarged and double enlarged?! Doh??!



And why the queer quote of me wanting to slap those girls?! (if you are trying to read it by refreshing you will end up like me and having Erised's face imprinted onto your brains.)



I thought of a consolation for myself.



If say Singtel, by an unlikely chance, is not taking bribes from Erised to have her pic up there 18936 times, then perhaps every contestant has a same number of views, and since I keep seeing Erised, then no one else can see Erised.



Which also means that somebody else may be seeing me, me, me and me! Which is not a good thing coz my quote is gross, and my picture is too big! DUH!



Doesn't matter. In conclusion, I should have done that bj for the Singtel guy when he asked for it. KIDDING KIDDING.



But Singtel is a big cheatabug. Yet, it has the best network coverage in Singapore and the friendliest services and the best deals for phones. I love it down to the core of the orange, i mean, red umbrella!!



Singtel rules! Lee Hsien Yang is my dreamd8!!



Enough crap. Shall get outta my office now. Nights all!!